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Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

rev 1.5Our servicemen have travelled town and field,attacked hot rants and taken wounds; then healedbeneath the shredded pledges of the free,all to rout cold terrors infancy.Mid door-to-door, those...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Cat...I've read this several times...it's growing on me. At first I thought it a bit OTT, but considering the subject, I now say..'tis not.My main nit is with L14... that particular inversion is just...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Hey Brandon Firstly let me say that I don't have my heart strings attached to any particular style of poetry. If you want to take it back to old time style, write it somewhere in between, or write in...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

HS7 and DB, thanks for the great suggestions! I am trying figure out what it is they're talking about over on SC and branch out into a different style. Seems like they make a lot of noise about tired...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Hi, Brandon. As you know this is one I enjoyed -- particularly for its unique imagery and creative phrasing. Afraid I haven't got much in the way of anything new to throw into the pot here -- more,...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Thanks to everyone that added comments. I am going to stew on this for a while. It needs some time on the back burner to simmer, ya know? "La muse" (as the French say) is not talking to me about this...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Brandon:I'm going to try an overall comment here. You are celebrating an heroic eulogy. You are looking at warriors on and coming from the battlefield. Today, we look at antiseptic war, with...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Hi there,Since you've implied that you will welcome help, I'm going to dig into this promising sonnet and offer whatever I can. I apologize if I've repeated wha others have laready told you, or if I...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

G.L.: Quote:...[RE: Tennyson] look at the heroic dialogue here, and especially the active words that say the things you want to say... Most only want to be remembered, not lionized.These are words of...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Brandon, This my humble opinion. Look and see the vision that you have created in your mind and choose the words that strongly describe the idea that you are trying to convey. Make each object come...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Thanks Betsy! I have received a lot of great criticism on this poem- it has really brought out the best in the poets that visit this board. I am giving it some space because I am too close to it. As...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Gosh, I have received so much great input on this sonnet- I wish I could address all of y'alls comments. I will have to write another one to do that...Thanks again, everyone's time and efforts are...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Brandon, I think these revisions look pretty darn fantastic to me You've really changed the feel of this (from being a bit over the top) to something that comes across as far more universal IMO...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Brandon, with revision the author often has to maintain their voice/the voice of the poem. You must make the hard choices and there's no need to aplogize for that. I think this is improved but I was...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

(rev. 2 does not contain the latest suggestions yet)Hey Dan,Thanks for looking at this one again, I really appreciate the great comments! You are right about the poet's voice. It is a difficult...

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Re: Prayers and a blossom... rev 1.5 (sonnet)

Hi, ERJ Cat, I don't recognise this rhyming structure. What kind of sonnet is it? Maybe you invented it. If so, good call. But I'm a little concerned that it's imposing some sort of archaism upon you....

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